Epworth United Methodist Student Ministries

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Ponder this..... December 15, 2007

So what makes a perfect family ?

Actually that's a trick question.   Unfortunately many fall for it.  But friends, here's the scoop ...... there is no such thing as a perfect family.  Families are made up of people and all people, moms, dads, brothers and sisters have problems, faults, hurts, pains, make mistakes and do silly things.  There is no perfect family.  It's a myth. 

There is an old saying, "the grass looks greener on the other side of the street". But friends..... listen up --- that is just an old saying that highlights the human condition of jealousy and envy when we look at other people and other families, thinking we would like to be like them. We often think that the family next door or across the street is a perfect family, but we only think that because we don't really know what goes on behind their front door.  The reality of it all is that you know the flaws, troubles and problems that occur in your life and family and you don't see the flaws, troubles and problems of the family across the way ......... but trust me, each family has flaws, troubles, mistakes and problems, you just can't see readily see them or know what goes on behind their front door!  The grass ONLY APPEARS to be greener on the other side of the street..... but trust me my friends, it is NOT!

Yet, when a family lives under the pretense of being a perfect family,  that pretense of perfection keeps the family from facing up to their problems.  Often it's not just a show they put on for the outside world, but something they believe themselves.  They deny their difficulties, and as they live with "blinders", they never really learn from their difficulties and problems nor do they get the opportunity to grow through them.  Unfortunately, this "perfect family" pretense creates a bunch of issues in the kids in these "perfect families".  A common side affect is the kids have major identity crises.  They've been pretending so much, they don't know who they really are!   Sometimes the result of being "the perfect family" is that the kids have extremely low self-esteem because they know they can't measure up to the "perfect standards" they pretend to have.  They're living in a trick box.  Usually relationships in these families don't grow very deep, primarily due to the lack of honesty with one another.  They feel lonely with the very people who should love them the most.  A huge loss is they never learn about forgiveness, grace and second chances because they never fully own up to their own shortcomings.

So does this mean families should be completely open about all their problems, airing their "dirty laundry" before the outside world?

First of all it's important for families to develop honesty within their family.  They need to admit their problems with one another and help each other grow.  But the whole world doesn't need to know everything that's wrong with your family, does it?  The neighbors don't really need to know every time Mod and Dad argue.  So maybe some issues should remain rather private, not because you're pretending to be perfect, but just out of respect for your family.

Secondly we need to realize that parents are not perfect.  Moms and Dads are humans and we all make mistakes and sometimes have poor judgment.  Sometimes a parent is an alcoholic or has other addictions or a parent or even both parents lose a job or there is a brother or sister in the family involved with drugs or alcohol or someone in the family has a serious disease or illness.   Suddenly the whole family is about that "thing" and often some of the kids in the family get neglected.  It's natural to feel resentful in those scenarios and then a natural result is to feel guilty about feeling resentful.  In those situations, it's just a nasty circle of emotions.  But friends, simply stated, there is no quick solution to these issues and problems.   Often these type of problems are like having an elephant standing on the kitchen table that no one wants to talk about.  But remember--- you need to talk about it and complete honesty will help.  Rather than trying to keep up the image of the perfect kid in the perfect family, you can admit that things are out of balance.  That's the first step to setting things right. 

Lets take a step back and see what scripture has to say about all of this.  James 1:2-4 says the following:    Consider it pure joy, my friends, whenver you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its works so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  So let me ask you, is James being serious in this scripture or is he just being poetic?

James knew about trials.  He was a leader in the early church and at that time they were facing significant persecution.   James was being totally serious -- but when he says "pure joy" --- he is not talking about happy joy that you feel when things are going well.  When James says pure joy, he is talking about a deep, thorough sense that God is working things out.  That comfort, that assurance that God is working it all out is the pure joy that James is referring to.  

Perseverance is the ability to press forward despite difficult circumstances.  The only way to persevere is to face difficult circumstances.  Imagine a body builder who goes to the gym and is told that they threw away all the big heavy weights because they wanted to make it easier for him and they replaced all the big, heavy weights with small two-pound weights.  Would the bodybuilder be pleased?  Of course not!  The only way to build those muscles is to lift some heavy burdens. You can't build muscles with two-pound weights.  That is exactly what James is telling us about our faith.  When life gets more difficult, we grow stronger. 

Romans 5:3-5, Paul gives us similar advice.   .....but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His loves into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.  Here Paul takes it a bit further, tracing the development of perseverance into character and hope.  Character has to do with a solid identity. We know who we are. We don't waiver with the changing times. We know our values. We know our purpose. We act accordingly.  When we are tested by suffering, we learn what's most important.

Hope is not just an optimistic attitude.   Hope is an expectation that there is something good in our future.  Scripture often speaks of our hope in the Lord.  So this passage might be saying that we press forward through suffering, learning more about who we truly are and expecting that the Lord will remain with us, no matter how bad things get. 

So what does all of this have to do with our family life?

As we live in our imperfect families, there are many lessons we can draw from James 1 and Romans 5.   We can moan and groan about how badly we're treated in our family and how unfair things are.  Maybe our family is living a lie, pretending to be perfect but in reality, is badly flawed.   Maybe you are truly suffering as you try to grow into a healthy adult.  But these scripture verses challenge us to rejoice even when things are at their worst.   There is the old saying "about being knee deep with alligators in a swamp" --- but it helps when we acknowledge that we are knee deep and to understand that our difficulties will build our perseverance and character with hope and comfort in the love of God.  We don't need to play the blame game ---  we can just look forward to the future with the assurance that God will be us, guiding our growth.  Hope is the expectation that God will always be with us and with God, all things will work out ok!  

So what makes a perfect family?  The perfect family just does not exist! 

It's the Myth of the Perfect Family.................